I forgot what the anticipation of test day was like.  No matter how well I know the material, just the word “TEST” throws me into a tizzy.  I am short tempered, nervous, and I can’t concentrate on anything. Part of the issue is the pressure I place upon myself. For some reason I have in my mind that anything less than a 100% is failure. Of course, I forgot I was like this until I was introduced to taking tests once again. I have no idea from where this idea stems, but this does add some clarification to Aubrey’s thought process. Obviously it’s genetic and I have unfortunately passed it along to my poor sweet daughter. A few nights ago, noting my stress level, Brian in attempt to ease the situation stated, “You know employers don’t look at your GPA, right?”   As if knowing this would someone suddenly change the disposition ingrained within the psyche I’ve had my entire life.  I wish it were that easy to let go.

However, as I have taken on more and more in my life, I have learned to let some things go.  It is about survival. I have had to do it in order to keep my sanity.  Perhaps school will follow suite, although I highly doubt it because my grades are completely and solely about me. I will  not fail myself. Hopefully though I can learn to cope with test day a little better.  I’ll have 4 long years of practice.  Oh, and if you need to know the difference between the English Settlements of the Chesapeake and New England, I can recount it to you in my sleep – along with every important detail of the 17th century.  For what reason this information is vital to my life, I do not know – I am an English education major 🙂


Surviving & Proud

Last night I slept for a total of 4 hours.  Today I woke up at 6AM and have been going strong all day long (work, 2 classes, kids, class, & 1 hour of TV with Brian).  It is 11:20 PM and I have A LOT of studying to do.  I’m going to hop to it, but I needed a record of this so I remember if pulled through this so I can pull through anything 🙂

Disaster Noted

So, our basement flooded during the torrential rains of Sunday evening & Monday morning.  Sometime during the event our sump pump stopped performing it’s function and as a result caused our entire basement to be saturated with water.  Nice!  Even better, we discovered this at 9 PM.  Consequently, we had to forfeit nearly 1500 square feet of carpet & HEAVY (with water-even after wet-vac) padding. I was also sadly, forced to clean out the storage area we have been neglecting for over 2 years.  All of this when I was actually ready to go to bed for the evening just before the discovery of this disaster.  Obviously bedtime did not occur until much, much later. Once embraced, it was abruptly ended at 6AM.  I then had to work, attend 2 classes, pick my kids up from school, prepare dinner, take Brenden to football, and then head back to school for another class ending at 9:55 PM.  Did I mention I also need to study for a History test which also includes a 5  page essay?

Sadly, the sump pump is unaware of the difficulty it imparted upon my life.   I have often heard good things do not end unless they end badly.  I would definitely agree with this statement.

Thank you mom!

I would be remised if I did not thank you to my wonderful mother.  Years from now when I ask the question, how did I get through the chaos, the answer will be – MY MOM!  I don’t know what I would do without her.

Simply put, I would not make it through life without my mom. She takes my kids to school when I cannot, she picks them up when I am running late. She takes them to church on Wednesday nights. She does their homework with them. She takes them to their activities when I need a third person. She even brought dinner to my house tonight so I could eat before I have to run out the door to a soccer game. I am truly blessed 🙂

Umm? How am I supposed to do homework?!

This morning I slept until 9AM.  I have a full mountain range of dirty clothing painting the landscape of my laundry room and ever so beautifully creeping it’s way into the kitchen.  I also have an unfathomable amount of reading, writing, & studying to complete.  Not to mention my house has not been cleaned in -well, I don’t even remember how long. Investigators would conclude the kitchen floor perhaps gave birth to another dog by simply making a quick analysis of all the piled up dog hair.  Apparently none of the 4 other capable people in my household saw fit to use a vacuum or, even a Swiffer for that matter (c’mon how hard is it to use the Swiffer?).  Sleeping until 9 AM with all these things on my agenda may seem absurd, but believe me I had to do it.  If I did not, then I would not be able to converse with the general population without severe consequence befalling anyone who looked at me in even a pleasant manner.

I brushed my teeth, put my contacts in, which was painful – meaning the need for more sleep was not out of the question, however, realistically not likely to occur.  I went downstairs to discover none of my children were awake, yet the dogs were all out of their cages.  Brian was gone. He had to work this Saturday, but was off yesterday, which is another story in and of itself.  Either Brian felt sorry for the dogs and let them stay out or he, in a state of exhaustion himself, just plain forgot to confine them.  Regardless of the situation, what was left for me was problematic to the hundredth degree.  Baylie had gotten in a plant and as I vacuumed up her mess, the fan on the back of the dustbuster stirred the materials up even more.  Welcome Saturday morning!

I made my coffee and my breakfast.  By this time it was 9:45.  Brenden had just woken up to so this was an added bonus to the drama of my morning.  Except thankfully there really wasn’t as much drama as I anticipated.  The only issue at hand was the fact he could not locate his football pants, which he needed for his game that day.  The mountain range of laundry began to implode as he searched desperately for them.  They ended up being in his room, of course and as a result the once beautiful mountainous laundry became a larger more spread out array of hills and valleys spreading further into the already chaotic kitchen.  Oh well, what could I do?

At 10:15 I had to take a shower in order to leave by 11:00 to take Brenden to his basketball evaluation.  I had accomplished nothing on my ever growing “to-do” list.  We went to the basketball evaluation and followed this event by a quick trip to Target to buy/exchange moccasins.  I ran to the UPS store to print a project I had been  trying to complete since the week before.  We went to the bank, then I drove through Chick-fil-a followed by a trip to Jimmy John’s.  On our way home, I swung by The Henry’s house to pick-up Aubrey who had spent the night at their house.  When all was said and done, we arrived home at 1:15.  Brian picked Brenden up at 1:45 and we had to leave the house at 2:40.  I quickly ate lunch, threw a load of laundry in and began reading.  I finished one Chapter of the 10 I must read, but at least I crossed something off my list.

All of my hopes and dreams of knocking countless tasks from my list on Saturday morning ended.  In fact, this instance caused me to consider that perhaps I will never have a moment in my life where I am 100% caught up and everything is in it’s proper place in my perfectly clean and organized house.  At one point in my life I had this.  I was June Cleaver and my house was clean and I had an apple pie in the oven-or let’s not get crazy it was more like a cake from the box.  I cared about paint colors and I cared if my daughter had on the perfectly coordinated outfit with the matching bow in her hair.  Our nails were all painted, dinner was made & cleaned up nightly.  This was my perfect world….or was it?

I keep telling myself this is just that stage of life we are in.  It doesn’t help that I added to the chaos by deciding to go back to school full time.  Some days I wonder if I should just quit everything and only take care of  my family.  It does sound enticing, but then I remember how much I love my job and then I recall all the reasons I decided to go back to school in the first place.  This is simply a means to an end – I have to do it.  I have endure the chaos.  I will learn a lot about myself through this process and for starters,  I will learn to accept things may not all be in their proper places.  Clothing may be wrinkled and my kitchen floor may truly never be mopped ever again. In a few years, in the glow of my accomplishment all of these crazy and chaotic days will be a distant memory.  For now though, I just need to find a little uninterrupted time to myself to complete a single task in it’s entirety….at least this is the plan that keeps me going. 🙂

(Oh, and the planner from Time Management is still in tact – it just gets adjusted from time to time based upon my children’s activities, Brian’s ever-changing work schedule, & of course – my sleep patterns!)

Focus Lapse

I’m at Kiley’s soccer practice. I’ll be here for 2 hours and 15 minutes. I have more than enough reading and studying to occupy this amount of time. In fact, the reason I stay at her soccer practice is to MAKE myself complete these mundane tasks.

Distracting myself from what lies ahead, I take an inventory of all the mom’s and dad’s sitting in their folding chairs observing practice without a care in the world. The breeze blows gently.  The only task at their fingertips is re positioning their windblown hair back to it’s proper place.  I can’t help but be jealous of all of them. I always thought that was going to be me…and for awhile it was. Will that ever be me again? Even more importantly, do I want it to be me?

Based upon my choice, the answer is obvious….and so I get to work. 🙂

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4